The Art of No: Protecting Your Energy

I am a recovering people pleaser, and as such, saying no was always very difficult for me. I grew up in so many situations where saying no was not an option and those are the kind of situations that shaped my understanding of using the word. Taking this into the real world causes huge problems for myself and other people, as evidenced by so many of the people who I've counselled over the years. As I said, I am now able to say no more appropriately and effectively.

There are people-pleasers who will do anything for others, to the detriment of themselves and initially can't even fathom the idea of saying no to something asked of them. Change from this can be very difficult, as it's tied up in a TON of childhood emotions that need to be untangled. Some, however can start this practice right away.

While it can feel uncomfortable, setting boundaries is essential for maintaining balance and prioritizing what truly matters to you. 

Understanding the Importance of No

Saying no is not about being unkind or selfish; it’s about recognizing your limits and honoring them. When you constantly say yes to others at the expense of your own needs, you risk burnout and resentment. By learning to say no, you create space for activities and relationships that align with your values and contribute to your well-being.

How to Say No Gracefully

• Be Clear and Direct: When saying no, be straightforward but polite. There’s no need to over-explain or apologize excessively. A simple, “I’m unable to commit to that right now,” is both respectful and firm.

• Prioritize Your Well-Being: Consider your energy levels and obligations before agreeing to any request. If something doesn’t fit into your schedule or align with your priorities, it’s okay to decline.

• Practice Assertiveness: Saying no can be challenging, especially if you’re used to pleasing others. Start small by declining minor requests and gradually build your confidence in setting boundaries.

Reaping the Benefits

By protecting your energy through the art of saying no, you gain more control over your time and resources. This practice allows you to focus on what truly matters, leading to a more fulfilling and balanced life. Remember, every no you say to others is a yes to yourself and your well-being.

Space of Your Own: Creating Personal Sanctuary

 Growing up in a larger family, I never really and truly had a space of my own. I remember one of the first things I was asked to do when I started going to therapy was to create a space for myself where I felt safe and comforted, as the spaces that I had for myself did not have that. It was awkward at first, as I piled blankets into a closet to be cozy, but over time, incredibly helpful and it was a task I ensured I gave the people I counselled myself.

Here’s how to create a personal sanctuary that nurtures your mental well-being.

Design for Comfort and Calm

Start by choosing a space that feels inviting and comfortable. It doesn’t have to be large; even a small corner of a room can become your sanctuary. Furnish it with cozy items like a comfortable chair, soft blankets, and cushions. Opt for soothing colors and textures that promote relaxation.

Incorporate Elements of Nature

Bring elements of nature into your space to enhance tranquility. Plants, natural light, and water features can create a calming atmosphere. The presence of greenery and natural elements can reduce stress and improve mood.

Personalize Your Sanctuary

Make the space uniquely yours by including items that bring you joy and comfort. This could be favorite books, calming artwork, or cherished mementos. Surrounding yourself with things that make you happy helps create a space that feels truly special.

Create a Relaxation Ritual

Designate specific times for using your sanctuary. Whether it’s for meditation, reading, or simply unwinding, having a routine helps reinforce the space’s purpose. Incorporate calming activities like deep breathing, journaling, or listening to soothing music.

Maintain Cleanliness and Order

Keep your sanctuary tidy and organized. A clutter-free environment enhances relaxation and helps maintain a sense of peace. Regularly clean and refresh the space to ensure it remains a serene retreat.

Creating a personal sanctuary is about crafting a space where you can escape from daily stresses and focus on your mental wellness. By designing a comfortable, personalized, and calming environment, you provide yourself with a dedicated area for relaxation and self-care, helping you navigate life’s demands with greater ease and tranquility.

The Dirty Phrase: Work/Life Balance

 

A while back, I was caught in the perfect storm of a job. It was interesting and challenging, but the expectations were unattainable and I burnt myself out trying to make the role work. It was one of the worst times in my life in that my personal life really suffered, but my professional life moved way to far forward in terms of responsibility. I had to make the decision that my actual non-work life was important and I found another more suitable role that worked to challenge me (though less) but also gave me time to live my life.

Balancing work and life can sometimes feel like trying to ride a unicycle while juggling flaming torches—impressive if you can pull it off, but most of us are just trying not to faceplant. Thankfully, finding a little harmony between your job and personal life doesn’t have to be a circus act. Here are some tips to help you stay upright.

Set Boundaries (Without Building a Moat)

You don’t need a medieval fortress to protect your time—just some clear boundaries. Try turning off work emails after hours, or at least resist the urge to check them while binge-watching your favorite show. Boundaries keep your work from invading your personal space, like an overenthusiastic puppy.

Prioritize Self-Care (Yes, It’s Allowed!)

Think of self-care as maintenance for your most important asset: you. Whether it’s a bubble bath, a yoga session, or just an uninterrupted nap (remember those?), taking time for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. After all, you can’t pour from an empty cup, but you can pour from one that’s well-rested and slightly pampered.

Learn to Say No (Politely, of Course)

No is a complete sentence, but feel free to dress it up a bit. Learning to say no to extra projects or unnecessary social events is like decluttering your schedule Marie Kondo-style—it leaves more room for what truly sparks joy, like sleeping in on Saturdays.

Stay Organized (Without Becoming a Robot)

Let’s be real—organization is your friend. Whether it’s color-coded calendars or just a sticky note reminding you to breathe, staying organized helps you avoid the last-minute scramble that makes you wonder why you didn’t run away to join the circus.

Embrace Flexibility (But Maybe Skip the Gymnastics)

Life’s unpredictable, like a cat deciding whether it wants to snuggle or attack your foot. Being flexible means rolling with the punches, whether work throws you a curveball or your personal life decides to stage a surprise. The trick is to go with the flow and laugh when things get a little wild.

With these tips, you can find a balance that’s less like a high-wire act and more like a comfortable dance between work and life. Plus, a little humor never hurt anyone—except maybe when you’re laughing too hard to juggle those torches.

One Thing After Another: Embracing the Chaos of Life Transitions

Recently, I've been through some huge life transitions that I'm planning on writing about very soon. Some loss, some work changes, some inner adjustments. Change is hard. When we think of life transitions, we think of the big event like the moving day, the first day on the job, the day the baby is born. But life transitions creep up on us and can actually take a long time to grow and fester.

Life’s transitions—whether they’re planned or unexpected—often bring a mix of excitement and anxiety, but also just pure anxiety. But these moments of change also offer an opportunity for growth, if we allow ourselves to navigate them with intention and grace.

One of the most important things to remember during transitions is to embrace the uncertainty, as life rarely unfolds exactly how we expect, and that’s okay. Going with the flow of the change can help us stay open to new possibilities and perspectives, rather than clinging to what was or what we think should be.

Another key to navigating change is to stay curious, instead of fearing the discomfort that often accompanies transitions. What are we really seeking? What’s exciting about this next chapter? This curiosity helps us move forward with less resistance and more enthusiasm.

Finally, be patient with yourself. Adjusting to a new phase of life takes time. Celebrate small wins along the way, and don’t forget to acknowledge the courage it takes to embrace change. Transition may be difficult, but it also creates space for something new to bloom, and watching how it unfolds and going with the current may help you maintain your sanity throughout.