September 16, 2011


No, not the show, the feeling of it.

I feel lost right now. My well worn paths have been intentionally barricaded to some extent, but my head wants back on. Anxiety pops up and the familiar refrain of knowing more and being better and thinking about it a longer time takes over. That feeling of not good enough. Less than. Need more. Argh...

I've learned something interesting about myself so far, though. For the longest time, I've not liked music. Something never really clicked with me. Lately, I've found myself getting more and more songs stuck in my head. It's a coverup. It's hiding something behind it that I don't understand. Fear or worry or something. I notice it a lot when I'm trying to get work out of my head. I stop thinking of work and some horrible song jumps in. What's worse? Hell if I know right now. I'm pretty sure this is damn well connected to my dislike of music, though. Ha. Ya think?

So yeah, I'm lost. It's as if I've thrown away all my maps and I'm trying to wander to a place that I want to be, but I keep gravitating back to the paths. I turn away in disgust and then end up back there a few minutes later. I guess this is change in progress, in some way. I'll tell you what else it is. Fucking uncomfortable.

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