December 31, 2009

Chaos


I'm not very good at end of year postings. I set goals and then don't go through with them, there's no real order to my life, and while I do try to be inwardly reflective, I have a difficult time expressing that. So while this is my end of year post, it's really not. I don't think...

Last year, I set some goals for myself. One of them was to get accepted to a MSW program and choose one. Well, that happened, so yay to me. :) One of my other goals was to post at least weekly. I came up short on that one. The other goal was to read at least 26 books in the year. I can honestly say that I have no idea whether I met that or not. I tried to count up the books that I read, and I have no clue. I think I did it, but I really can't be sure. To be honest, it's not a big deal to me. I've accomplished a lot this past year, and if I didn't meet some goals, I'm okay with that.

So what are my goals for this year? Concrete goals? Well, let's start with finishing my MSW. Ok, there's that. And I want to read some books and watch some movies. And do some yoga. And walk. Yeah, that's about it. So much for SMART goals... :p

Ok, and now a little bit of introspection. In my early teens, up to my mid 20s, I wanted to be a writer. I wrote some stories, even entered a couple small contests, but I never wrote consistently. I didn't do the things I would have to do to be successful. I've also wanted to keep a journal, or write a blog consistently. I've tried, and always given up. I was thinking about this a little while back, and figured out a little bit about why I don't do it. I have this desire to be profound. My writing is rarely, if ever, profound. I also fear that if I do write something that I believe to be profound, I will find out that it isn't, or that it's simply trite. I don't want that. I want to be special! Unique! Sigh... I don't know what to do with this, but I'm working on it. I'm not going to commit to anything right now, but I'm hoping to work towards just being able to be more than having to be special. For now, I'll leave the fantastic writing to people like Lola. I would sacrifice my right pinkie finger to be able to write like her...

As for the blog post title, that is my theme for this coming year. I am embracing chaos in my life, and going with it. In my internship, I am learning that life is not about being happier, or achieving your potential, or attracting more positivity to your life. That is a part of it, but life really is about learning to let go and embrace the chaos that is an inevitable part of it. My light, my shadows, my fuzziness and my darkness are a part of me, and to try to rid myself of any of them is a denial of myself. So forget about learning ways to cope. It's all about learning ways to just be. (ha, and here's my doubt arising...is that just trite? sure, but what the hell...)

Happy New Year, peeps. I'm off to brave the cold.
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5 comments:

mswsarah said...

Happy New Year! Yay for completing our MSW in this new year to come :)

Lola Snow said...

Wow thanks for the compliment. If it helps I usually think most things I publish are utter rubbish until someone tells me otherwise. I think it's about having belief in yourself more than anything else. Believing in what you write is what makes it profound maybe?

Happy New Year

Lola x

Reas Kroicowl said...

I say toss the idea of writing to be "profound" and fully embrace sarcasm. Must less pressure that way. ;)

Keep it up, Anti!

Leslie said...

Congratulations on completing the first year of your MSW. Have fun this year, especially in your internship. As one of my MSW professors said - "Trust the process." :D

Aidan Chase Scott said...

Hey, I stumbled across your blog and it grabbed my attention. I like what you say at the end of your post

"So forget about learning ways to cope. It's all about learning ways to just be."

This has more truth to it then you give credit. As a survivor myself this statement would sum up how I was able to move forward. Frustration in strategy combined with desire to move forward followed by the outcome that required me to learn just to be. Anyone can sit in an office asking questions for 20 years... I appreciate what Social Work does by assisting others in finding how to just be.

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